get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
Fun fact of the day the average american will consume 13248 beers in their lifetime.
So for us it's double that?
Precisely.
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
All I am going to say is this: I woke up with lots of bruises on my knees from running around on all fours being a 'dinosaur'. Either girls night in went terribly wrong or terribly right.
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
Randomize
