You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
Apparently I did my philosophy paper last night. It's not bad either.
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
Randomize
