I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
She's a Laker fan, her sister is a Celtic fan... no matter who wins I'm getting a celebration bj from one of them!
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
I would go a lot of places to get laid. But I would NOT go to Staten Island.
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
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