**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
I'm this close to masturbating to his profile pics from 2006
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
True I am eskimo brothers with every one of my room mates, but it was only two girls. And 9 outta 10 times I was first
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