remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
jess passed out on the pong table. it was depressing until we started singing shania twain an hour later and heard her muffled voice singing along.
He had in his status he loved beating off and tagged his wife. another reason facebook should be for college.
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
Strip club for my birthday. And none of this discrimination shit. We're going to a guys one and girls one. Go get your singles.
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
Randomize
