Is it bad that when I see ugly people make out, I hope he's impotent?
But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
Randomize