You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
Randomize