question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
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