I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
Randomize
