If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
They are chanting tits for freedom and I'm highly considering
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
Randomize
