Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
I'm fine with our borderline lesbian behavior.
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
Randomize