What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
Please don't think I'm weird for texting you this at 12:08 am but I just found another picture on the Internet where I think you can see his dick through whatever he's wearing
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
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