Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
If I end up in a healthy relationship because of this, I will NEVER forgive you!!!
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
Randomize
