Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
They used the ice bucket from their room to drink beer from and called it the "Holy Grail"
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
video games take priority over anything else you can offer me.
I would be down to associate sex w taco bell
Alright, I've had enough of this good girl shit. Tonight you either blackout or backout.
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
