Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
Myspace is for pedophiles and tweakers in the 818 trying to hook up. I always forget theres music there too
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
This lumberjack with a huge beard is doing his group presentation in a dirty t shirt that says "I'm only 2 girls short of a threesome"
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
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