I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
She tied me up with her honor cords...
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
I mean if you can't appreciate a good looking dick then just get out.
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
I just took a plan B pill with my preworkout. That's the level I'm on today.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
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