i think 'regret' was last night's theme. i could taste it in my mouth and woke up next to it.
you just love her because she lets you bang her with fruits and veggies!
epic walk of shame this morning involving 2 subway transfers. I need to start sexing locally.
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
Hne relally is a cite oerfect gome. Nes awddddddddooooome.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
Randomize
