I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
Then he kissed my hand sensually and said "you're a Black Queen. Don't let anyone tell you different."
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
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