those bitches were sniggering at my man-pris like they were goddesses of fashion!
...dude i pray you are quoting something, someone, anyone...
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
yea i'll help you find a man. but, when I say jump, you say on who.
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