"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
I am totally the chick from Intervention who barfs up wine and then re-eats it.
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
Yeaaah. I'm kinda wary about that guy. Does he still have that taser that he found on the train?
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
It would be like a dance party with a dick inside you. I think that's what Ke$ha wants for the world.
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
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