Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
if it makes you feel any better you looked really comfortable while you were sleepin in the closet, atleast according to the pictures i woke up with on my phone
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
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