There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
He purred while eating me out. HE PURRED AND I LIKED IT.
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
well, you know. whores of a feather.
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
Randomize
