I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
If you've never been pounded by an Eastern European body builder, I would highly recommend it.
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
I don't care what you say about him, his cock is the stuff dreams are made of.
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
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