Yeah...you.wanna.hang.out.tomorrow?My.space.button.is.broken.
i nerd-gasmd. plain and simple.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
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