now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
dpoing straight shots of jhameson. boys are imp ressed. i apologize
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
Pride is not for the college student young Padawan. Tequila is for the college student.
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
God, I missed his penis.
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
Randomize