wat bout pragnant strippers??
kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.
I think she kind of thinks she's better than us now ... please. I go to Michigan.
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Randomize
