so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
The kid taped his penis down so that he wouldn't get a boner while dancing with girls. Oh these middle school man whores never cease to amaze me.
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
did he think i wouldnt notice the naked girl in the backseat
Randomize
