There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
Princesses don't give blow jobs
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
I assume it was your influence that had me go from DD to waking up out on the deck with one eyebrow shaved off??
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties
Omg. The news was on TV while I was giving him a bj...when the weatherman said its a beautiful start to December, he groaned and said it sure is.
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
I like that you use a Disney movie to describe the starting of our BDSM relationship, lmao
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
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