She'll never know what hit her
I dunno. Girls tend to recognize ball-to-chin contact.
I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
The preggo girl brought her pet chipmunk to class today. fyi.
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
I'm still high with raccoon eyeliner eyes and chocolate all over my face and chest, clutching a mug of wine. Happy graduation.
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
Randomize
