I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
First shot of my 21st. 11 a.m. in econ class. Success.
Also, I've sobered up around 5am, in Delaware. I remember making this decision, and highly regret it now.
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
I know I don't have feelings for him because I feel completely ashamed every time after we have sex
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
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