If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
You told the cop you where the star of the Track team and tried to run away. So yeah, i'm not surprised.
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
That's why you need to have them together. Katie started crying on the couch and she just gave her a tube of crackers and picked up a beer at the same time. She's like a goddess of making things chill
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
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