i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
I wonder if i passed any courses from last semester
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
Either I just got hit on by a 10 year old.girl dressed like a boy or I just got hit on by a midget lesbian. Either way I feel uncomfortable
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
You can't play that off as role play thing. You held my hips and kept yelling "put a baby in me!" That shit ain't cool.
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
Randomize
