so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
oh yeah I'm gonna practice throwing up so I can be ready for Friday night. and Saturday. Beth is back, diaper and all.
No we didn't have sex. I got my period on his finger.
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
Randomize
