we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
So she stayed over last night and slept walked in to my moms room where she used the bathroom and then proceeded to get in bed with my moms naked boyfriend. So yeah, at least now my family got to meet her.
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
It's official. I now have that "I was drunk and needed the money" college story to share later in life.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
cant tell, his cock is acting like one of those inflatable arm waving things outside the market
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
He has me blocked on facebook.... so I stalked him using my cats fan page.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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