I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
Is this one of those "if you didnt give such good head we couldn't be friends" moments?
We were tripping too hard to figure out to tell him where we were so we sent a picture of me laying outside the tent saying "find us"
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
We have bigger issues at hand... Does anybody know someone in the kalamazoo area that is missing a pair of stilts ?
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
It was a fun night. I made out with the door guy at the gay bar but he didn't speak english
There was no door guy at the bar
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
I woke up using a beer can as a pillow. successful party?
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