I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
When a guy invites you to dinner and breakfast the next day it's implied that he's going to make some sweet loving in betwixt correct?
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
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