how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
No period for spring break; use this wisely.
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
Went home with a male stripper who looked like Justin Timberlake.. I started singing cry me a river mid sex. When he sang along I fell in love
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
Randomize
