His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
The reason i havent seen you yet better have huge tits
We have 10 gallons of home brew. And james has an amazonian blow dart weapon that sticks in bags and the wall. Come over
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
idk man, I was fucked up and eating fried rice at the grocery store, tried to wave at her but she just looked concerned at me.
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
Randomize
