like if they didnt have tits and vagina, they have no idea how uninteresting to us they would be
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
I'm not saying you did or didn't sleep with him but he's has your thong hanging from his ceiling fan
Made it just outside my dorm and yack on the front dirt. Wave to a dad thats staring, continue on my way.
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
in the midst of studying i picked up my capsule full of untouched weed, popped it open, and whispered "soon" into it. midterms man
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
Randomize
