There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
I don’t understand his energy
What? Nice? Lmao
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