I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
One of us will probably end up wearing nothing but glow/ neon body paint and a pair of water wings...
And I am in no way ashamed to say that it will most likely be me. I'm hoping for it actually.
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
I just don't understand how she's willing to go through so much planning and effort just to get a dick inside of her
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
Sex while Star Warsing is the best
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
Damn. Looks like nobody I know is doing anything interesting. Guess it's another slut-it-up-with-strangers sort of night.
Randomize
