i can smell the iron from margo's period blood from across the table.
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
I saw him walking to campus with his beer in his hand in the same sweats he wore walking to campus with a beer in his hand yesterday.
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
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