So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
I mean I like that it's warm enough to open the windows, but it annoys me that I can't walk around naked anymore.
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
I think the threesome was inevitable when she walked out in nothing but his boxers followed by him completely naked.
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
I was super naked---except I kept my shoes on, because I'm a lady, and I was bent over a bar.
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
Randomize
