I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
you made cement angels. it was a great sight.
well other than the faint smell of fireworks in the truck you can't really tell the windshield was exploded
he calls himself the gay cupid because he matches two guys looking to hookup on craigstlist with each other. get me out of here. please.
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
saying, "have a good fall!" After fucking a virgin boy is good etiquette, right?
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
Randomize
