In the future we'll all be gay
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
I wish I still had pics from the prostitute I paid/dated
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
It was a fun night. I made out with the door guy at the gay bar but he didn't speak english
There was no door guy at the bar
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
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