there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
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