i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
My lecture teach is passed out next to me. I think I'm doing pretty good for a freshman.
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
Well I'm nervous now about the consequences of letting you loose
It's a big decision, I respect that you need to think about it.
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
Randomize
