She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
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