it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
Oh come on. There's no way I was the only female choir student taking shots in the back room.
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
Randomize
