White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
Randomize
