There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
I just had my first experience getting hit on by a guy. It was really awkward, he touched my chest and invited me to a gay bar because "women get drunk and let their guard down at gay bars"
thats actually pretty good logic
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
Nothing says "I'm a sorority girl" like puking at 830 in the am, wearing my anti-hazing pin, and getting ready for a tea party.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
All I know is....there's beer in my camera. How do I know? Because I can pick up my camera,shake it and HEAR, the beer in it
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
So please don't worry, but I need some help getting blood out of my drywall so I can get my security deposit back. I would not ask if the need was not great.
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
Randomize
