I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
first off, his name is dougie. strike one.
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
He asked if he could fuck me while on chat roulette.
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
smoked some of that legal weed last night, felt like God himself legit bent me over his knee and spanked my ass. Never again..never.
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
I actually talked to his parents last night about it. haha. I had a bottle of smirnoff in my hand, I'm sure they took me serious.
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
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