We went to red robin and there was a 15 minute wait so we went and fucked in the car. Quickies, endless fries, and a mascot handing out balloons- this is literally the night of my dreams.
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
He shit in the fireplace
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
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