I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
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