You work out of a Hotel?
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
So not only did you shoot down my invitation and prob walked past my house but now ur excluding me from a wet t shirt contest which btw i totally would have won
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
When are your genitals available?
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
Randomize
