im insabelyl wasted and diont know if ill yexyed tou. call me
"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
I wonder what it would be like to be a slice of cheese.
Oh i forgot. I hit on a mentally challenged girl too.
this bucketlist has just become an excuse for me to be slutty, and i'm not even ashamed
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
He ended up letting us go, I think he just felt sorry for us. It's the only time that my night's gotten worse after I've taken my pants off.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
Randomize
