Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
Tough to say exactly how to play this. I just know people don't like surprises when genitals are involved.
I just wish I could congratulate your tits on how much I love seeing them
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
Last night I realized my life is an experiment of really bad decisions when I had to leave without my underwear. But at least I'm expanding my life experience.
Randomize
